Thanks to Facebook memories, I’m reminded of all the good intentions I had in the past but never got around to actually doing. I don’t remember writing this post way back in 2011, but I could have written it this morning. I still have a lot of things, things I know now were bought solely to pacify and inflate my ego, that serve me no purpose. It actually makes me sad to think of the time and money I wasted in pursuit of material things, even as I firmly believed, or tried to convince myself to believe, that they didn’t matter. I overcompensated for my own feelings of inadequacy with stuff. I tried to fill the holes created in me by childhood traumas with stuff. Now that I have more wisdom and greater self-awareness, the stuff isn’t necessary, not that it ever worked in the first place.
The problem with using stuff to compensate for shortcomings isn’t that it doesn’t work, it is that I tended to place blame on the stuff, not on me. If I bought jewelry and it didn’t make me happy, it was the jewelry’s fault, so I needed to buy artwork, or electronics, or anything to see what worked. It never dawned on me that my methodology was at fault. There is no hurt that stuff can heal.
So now, here I am, seven years later, saying the same things. I have to get rid of this stuff. I’m tired of housing it. Tired of looking at it and being reminded of past bad decisions. Tired of having to find places to put it. Tired of dusting it. Just tired.
I know that I can’t welcome new blessings into my life until I’m willing to clear out the old stuff. I don’t have to be who I used to be. I don’t have to react to life in the same way anymore. I have new tools. And quite frankly, 45 year old me is completely devoid of fucks to give so I have no need to feed my ego or to impress other people. I’m good. Now I just need to clean out my life, starting with my office.